Positions to have a baby girl

I've never dreamt of being a father to a boy. My thoughts of being the father of a “daddy's girl” are as old as I am for I have no recollection when I first had them. When it was time to become a father, I worried that I might accidentally have a boy and watch my one wish of fatherhood become a disappointment. Please don't misunderstand. Having healthy children (of either sex) is the greatest gift of all. But even the greatest gifts come in different grades, you see. Girls are, at least a notch, or ten, above boys.  It’s just the way it is.  I didn't know for sure then (it was only a hunch) but now I know for certain. So what to do? Should I just roll the dice and cross my fingers? Leave it to fate? Simply hope that I am blessed with a girl? None of that was good enough. I had to be sure. You can't leave these things to fate. It's just too unreliable, you see.

So I went on a quest to find a sure-fire way to make a baby girl. The Internet was in its infancy then and neither Google nor Amazon existed. So it was repeated trips to the library and sifting through cards, indexes, bibliographies and antiquated library catalogues. Every recipe book on choosing the sex of a child spoke of making baby boys. How bizarre? All of these books and "scientific" research going into pinpointing which position (or vegetable soup) ensures having a baby boy. The whole world was after making baby boys and in the process, has gone completely mad. It was a disappointing and ultimately fruitless search. Even today when I type "positions to have a girl" in Google, no relevant results are returned. I think you can guess what the outcome is when you substitute boy for girl.

So just before I was ready to throw in the towel on my search, it occurred to me that all this effort going into making boys could also be used to make a girl. There are only two possible outcomes, you see. You can either have a boy or a girl. There's just no third option (other than having none or having multiples of one or the other). It further occurred to me that whatever "work" one must do to make a boy, if equal (or greater) work is done in the OPPOSITE direction, surely one can increase his chances of having a girl. BRILLIANT. That's it. Shortly after my moment of epiphany, I checked out the maximum number of books I could on my library card as I was determined to make this work. Fate, if you recall, was simply too much of a chance for me.

 Most of the books had similar themes. First they exploited the many (fallacious) beliefs of most cultures that boys are a better bargain for parents-to-be. Having established that, they could then go on to preparing these poor, desperate (and now sexist) parents to spend any amount of money or engage in the strangest of behaviors. Some books spoke of positions that enhance the chances of having a boy. What rubbish? How could they possibly know? Not only is it scientifically difficult to prove, it’s also very difficult to predict. It's a bloody flip of a coin! But they had pie charts and graphs to back their claims. Surely they must be right. Then some other books had recipes of food to eat. Avoid vegetable "A" and load up on meat "C". Do this for 4-6 weeks prior to the first attempt at getting pregnant. Are you serious? And you call yourself an expert? How do you sleep at night?

Being a man on a mission, I decided that no matter how ridiculous these recipes and positions sounded, I would dutifully carry them out, in triplicate, the opposite way. If a vegetable were recommended because it contained vitamin "X" that enhanced the chances of having a boy, I would avoid even walking down the grocery aisle that carried that vegetable. If a certain position was encouraged to deliver a higher edge of having a boy, I lay flat. Honey, please, no acrobatics or chandeliers tonight. I have terrible cramps in my quads, you see. And so it went for a while until my wife became pregnant. It was only a matter of time now. The hard work was done on my part. All those veggies and meats I lost out on. All those bedroom fireworks I extinguished. It was not all in vain, I prayed.

And what do you know? In a few short months, my sure-fire way of having a girl was just that. Sure-fire. It worked. I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl. I became the proud father of THE one I'd always dreamed of. And it was all due to the hard work I'd put in between the library, the grocery store and my bedroom. Many sacrifices I made but the end result made it all worthwhile. I triumphed. And though I didn't think I would (come on, who really believes they could choose the sex of their child without medical intervention?), I had to convince myself it was my own intervention that did the trick. So I tried again. And what do you know? It worked. AGAIN. This time, not only was I blessed with another beautiful and healthy girl, I had perfected the process and could have a baby girl at the drop of a hat. No really, I could.

Why won't you believe me when I say fate had nothing to do with it? I don’t blame you. It did. All praise is to Allah who has blessed me a millions times over (plus two).

Posted on Sun, October 29, 2006 at 05:28AM by Registered CommenterThe Big O | Comments5 Comments